Faith

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My mission papers are in, and I'm expecting a call in about three weeks. It's crazy how real it is becoming and I'm so excited to go. I wasn't sure that I was supposed to. I prayed and prayed and prayed and never felt that I had an answer, but I knew I wanted to. It wasn't that I hadn't made the decision either. I very firmly told God that I would love to meet someone and get married, and that that was the only thing that would potentially stop me, unless he had another way of keeping me from going, but that I wanted to serve a mission, and that I was going to, and that if he had a problem with that, he'd better let me know. Haha. Needless to say, I was rather stubborn. Regardless, I wanted to be sure that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to, and not just what I wanted to. Silly right? Why would the Lord not want me to serve a mission? I just know I have this tendency to believe that I am right, and I fail to see the full picture, and I don't always listen to others and their advice. I certainly didn't want that to happen between me and God so I repeatedly prayed for confirmation that this was the right decision, and then eventually I just gave up and decided to have faith that the Lord would let me know if it wasn't. Since I was praying and doing all I could, I certainly wasn't going to make the wrong choice, and just get away with it. Anyway, I now know that I am supposed to go on a mission. Without a doubt. It's not even just a "if I want to" thing for me. I think it is for a lot of girls. I believe that God has a plan for us. And I believe that that is in the plan for some of us, but I don't think that every girl is either meant to serve a mission, or not. I think that it truly is just a choice for some. But for me, this is what I am meant to do, and sometimes I struggle with that. Wondering why on earth I, of all people, am supposed to go on a mission when I am so inadequate. But then, I guess we all are. That's just one way I know the church is true. Because missionaries don't convert people. The truth does, the spirit does, God does, Christ does, but we don't. We are just instruments in his hands to help people find the things that really will convert them. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me this confirmation. He didn't have to, because I was going to go anyway. But it makes a lot of things, a lot easier.

 I had this crazy experience, that started last year. And I can't go into too much detail because it's not just my story to tell. But I was praying, and working hard to be where I needed to be and someone stepped into my life. And I knew they were supposed to be there, but I didn't know why. And I knew I was going on a mission, so I knew it wasn't going to be anything serious. But I couldn't make any sense of it. No matter how hard I tried. And I prayed and prayed and prayed. And I followed promptings. And I did everything in my power to understand, and I tried my very best to do what I was supposed to. And I got hurt. Nothing unmanageable. Nothing terrible. Don't worry about me, I'm okay. My point is not to tell you how badly I got hurt.  I was hurt because of the outcome of the situation. I lost someone I cared about very much, and I didn't understand why they had to come into my life when we both knew it was only going to hurt me in the end. And I wish I could tell you that I understand now, but I don't. And there was more pain, because of the fact that I had tried so hard to do what was right and to understand, but got hurt anyway. I had prayed and listened, and trusted and communicated and done things that were hard and that scared me, and it didn't matter. I still got hurt. And still, I cannot understand.

So why am I telling you all of this? Well... I don't believe that everything always happens as it is supposed to. I don't believe that the Lord WANTS us to go through every trial we go through. I believe that he knows what we can handle though. And that sometimes, we are the victims of other people's misuse of agency. Sometimes we are hurt when it is not our fault. Sometimes we experience things that do not make sense, and that we do not understand, and even that we do not deserve. I believe he is there for us, I believe that he will help us to turn our trials into learning experiences if we let him. I believe that the Atonement is there not only to free us from our sins, after we do all we can, but also to help us heal when we were hurt by situations that were not our fault and that we cannot fix. But it's our choice, and we have to choose to let him help us. It's easy to be angry, or bitter when we do not understand, but I promise you that those emotions only intensify pain and confusion. They do not help you to heal, and they do not bring balance to any injustice. Sometimes the only thing we can do, is take it to the Lord, let go, and move on. We have to have faith that he still has a plan for us, and that the Atonement can heal all of our wounds, and fix the damage that we cannot.
It is not easy to let go of something that you cannot understand. Especially when we are so use to asking questions and getting answers, we are constantly learning and understanding and our Church is full of revelation. It is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And there are days when I have to let go over and over again, and there are weeks when I feel that it's all behind me. I just have to roll with the punches. So how do I find so much joy and happiness in life, while coping with that kind of pain and confusion?

I set it aside, and look to what really matters. I know for a fact that it is God's plan. And somehow that helps me cope. My comfort does not come from answers, but from knowing that whatever happened, did not hinder my progress. It hurt me, but it didn't stop me, it did not change my life in the grand scheme of things, I am still exactly where I need to be. I mean, look! I'm going on a mission. What hurt me wasn't what was supposed to happen, but I will not be punished for that. It was not my mistake, just because it hurt me, doesn't mean it was my fault. Just because it went wrong, doesn't mean my life went wrong. My life is mine, and as long as I am living it right, no one can ever change that.  I am still on the right path, this is what is important and I am going to be okay.

I know this Church is true. I know who I am. I know I am a child of God, and I am enough for Him. And he will make me enough for anyone when I put my life in His hands. That is all that really matters. Say what you will. I will love you anyway, and you will not stop me, you will not hurt me. I'm enough. I am great. I am going on a mission and I am going to do great things.

-Kaeli
Remember to smile, because you are a child of God.